Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.