My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
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Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’m too immature for adultery.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it