There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Thursday
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.