I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.