[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was