Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.