whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news