common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
LOL!
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur