What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
You Might Also Like
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Bros before Ohioes
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
can’t believe I got front row seats
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
#Caturday
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁