I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it