[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
You Might Also Like
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Thank you corporation very cool
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
dude it’s called proctologist
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room