A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Happy Caturday!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen