my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact