[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Friday
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.