“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
🙁
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
thank god
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.