*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
it is time once again
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does