I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.