Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
My circle of trust is a meatball
Breaking news:
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade