These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
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her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am