my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Merry Christmas
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Always…