“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
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Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.