King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
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For those that worship cheese..
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Best spoiler warning ever
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Just got to our Airbnb!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!