Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
What a chick magnet..
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world