e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.