My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.