Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*has no idea what a book even is*
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.