As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.