cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me