a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm