Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”