If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.