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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
bought wrong eggs
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this