I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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Candles never taste the way they smell
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?