Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
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“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
the dark web is just a goth google.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?