REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it