HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
jesus, what did this guy do
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.