I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Cake!!
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
how it started vs how it ended
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.