Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
You Might Also Like
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Fight
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My whole life was a lie.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now