Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered