Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
stand with me against insufficient seating
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*