For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm