Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
The devil.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.