[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.