Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.