Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
More like Kate Missington.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?