I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
You Might Also Like
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
This is so me 😂😂
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪