I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Black Friday “markdowns” like
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.