I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?