A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
my proudest tweet
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this