dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
She puts the hot in psychotic
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.